Sometimes I don’t know what the hell I want or what the hell to do.

My thoughts consume me and life gets the best of me. A few weeks ago, all I kept thinking about was just getting away. Sometimes I have this itch and desire to just disappear from my life in some sort of fashion. Just go on some sort of vacation for a few days by myself to gather my thoughts and not be bothered by anyone. Then a few days ago, I met with another couple planning on getting married in Oregon. It’s exciting cause their wedding is just a few months before the first Portland, OR wedding I have booked next year, which would mean more exploration up there. Then, that night I had a dream about being away from Amanda for a while and I woke up sad. I cuddled her and held her tight and went back to sleep. Maybe it was the allergy medicine mixing with the beer I previously had been drinking.

I’ve also had this itch to just shoot a crap ton of things… By shoot, I mean photographically. This past week I started looking through William Klein’s work again and got excited about photography again. Then, another day I was looking through a lot of my work from my beginnings to where I am now. It was neat seeing the transitions and seeing how things evolved and what I love from my work now. Then it was eye opening seeing the lack of experimentation I don’t do as much these days.

Photography aside, I want to build things. I started re-finishing an old chair that we use at home. I haven’t kept up with it lately since life has had me busy, but I can’t wait to finish it. Then, I want to re-finish the desk at home. Then, I want to build a desk for at my dad’s since I sneak away from time to time to work on things while I do laundry. I have many things I want to build and can’t stop thinking about that.

Today, it was just me and Ethan at home pretty much all day. While he was busy playing with all his new things from Christmas, I kept myself busy with cleaning up and re-organizing the apartment. I want to move the fuck out of our apartment. Our lease is up in a few months, but I’m not sure if we’ll be able to make a move happen. It’s depressing in this place. There’s no sunlight that comes through and it feels like a prison because of it. Which is why I felt the need to clean up around here. More and more I keep liking the idea of owning less things. I really only want to own things that we definitely need and things that we value deeply. Looking back to when I lived by myself, I had barely anything in my apartment. It felt so peaceful. Less things means less to keep up with and clean and more time doing things that make you happy.

This isn’t really about anything in particular. This is just my mind going crazy. It’s filled with shit. There’s a ton more that I haven’t even mentioned. I have many more things that I want to create this coming year. Some things are purely for creative sake and other things are with the intention of helping others. I want to kick things up a notch next year. If there’s one thing I’ve learned this year, it’s that I’ve realized to go with my gut instinct on not giving a fuck. And yes, the “not giving a fuck” is part of my ideas on giving back to others. I have some pretty big goals I’m trying to set for the years to come. Big. I wish I could talk more on this subject, but I haven’t even had time to sit down and figure all that out.

This coming year is gonna be a fucking trip. That’s all I know.