More and more these days I’m feeling like I’ve lost touch with myself. Passionless but even more emotional than ever, if that makes sense. I’m doing my best to understand this thing called life.
I’m a person of routines. They help keep me focused on other things that are important to me, so that I don’t have to think so hard on other things. This year particularly has been all over the place. I’ve had to start new routines left and right. And every time I got a grasp on a new routine, I’d have to start a new one. It sounds silly, but it fucks me up. I’ve never really been like this in the past. But after starting my own business and doing the family thing, routines have been key to me being able to function. I have too much on my mind. Everything from things I have to do as a family man to a boyfriend to a lover to a friend to my friends to a photographer trying to provide an incredible experience to his clients to just overall trying to feed my creativity and passions. Above all… creativity is what keeps me going. Creating things keep me alive. No matter what it is. I have new personal projects that I want to do, but I keep falling behind on the things that need to get done. I can’t move forward with fun projects until I take care of the essentials and it’s frustrating as hell. I’ll never catch up if I’m always having to pick up the pieces that keep falling behind.
I feel I’ve lost touch with photography. Not that I don’t like it anymore or anything, but that I’m craving it so fucking much. All I want to do is shoot, but aside from not having enough time for personal projects, I’m just not inspired by my life right now. I’m not inspired by anything I’m surrounded by. That sounds so bad, but it’s the truth. I hate placing blame and excuses on things other myself, but it’s getting harder and harder to find inspiration in San Antonio and the people that make up this town. It’s difficult for me to feel like I fit in here. I don’t find many people here inspiring. San Antonio feels so stagnate. We’re so behind here.
One particular thing that I miss lately, is being able to cut myself off from the world. When I was young, neither I nor my friends had cell phones. I could just sit in my room and create whatever the hell I wanted without any worry of being disturbed. There would be times when I’d be so focused on what I was doing that I would forget about time or being hungry. The world would basically stop. Nowadays, that’s practically impossible. There’s always somewhere to be, someone to pick up, someone to feed, someone to reply to, someone to call, someone to text, etc. There are times when I do turn my phone off and it pretty much angers whoever is trying to contact me. And usually about 95% of the time it’s nothing important. I also don’t answer the phone while I’m driving and that frustrates people. I want to disappear and just create something. I know that as being a family man, saying something like that is fucked up. But in all honesty, it’s true. I can’t handle life sometimes. I don’t know how I do it, but I know why I do it.
If it weren’t for Amanda, I wouldn’t be where I am today. If it weren’t for Ethan, I probably wouldn’t have grown up. However, I feel like I’ll always have the classic case of not wanting to grow up. Not wanting to give into society. Not wanting to fit in. Not giving a shit about anything. I feel so goddamn selfish. I always have. Not that it matters, but all the girls in my past could never put up with me. I’m not sure how the hell Amanda puts up with me, but she does and has for 3 years now. And I’m grateful for her love and continued support of my craziness. I’m messed up on the inside. I know it and I think she does too. I do my very best to get a grip on life. To make the best of it.
And I think that’s the main thing now that I’m struggling with. Wanting to live a fulfilling life. I want to make everyone that matters to me, proud of me. I want to feel like if I died right now, I would feel like I lived a life that I was proud of. I want the most out of it. In all aspects. We don’t know how long we’re on this earth. I’ve found something I fucking love more than anything… photography… & helping people. I want to do as much of it as possible before I die. I want to inspire others to not give a fuck as well and do what they fucking want with their life.
I know and feel all of this. So why the hell do I feel so stuck?
Why do I feel lost? Why do I feel like I no longer know myself? Why do I feel like giving up?
Life is hard. I don’t know where I belong.
I don’t know where any of this was going, but I needed to write out something.
I need to do this more often and probably will.