Tonight is my last night with Lolita.

It feels weird saying that. It feels weird thinking that. Tonight is our last night together. Our last night of cuddles. My last night of going to bed to the sound of her purrs.

I’ve been struggling deep inside. Every day I’ve been trying to at least tackle the various small things I need to get done so that my business can stay afloat or keep me in good hands with those who count on me. It feels weird staying at home and trying to work on things while Lolita lays on the bed all day. Today, I got the things done that I needed to, but didn’t have it in me to do anything else. I just wanted to sit and veg out in front of the TV watching God knows what. Just something to keep my mind off life. And since we got rid of the TV a few weeks ago, I couldn’t do that.

Part of me felt bad deep inside feeling that since today is Lolita’s last night with me. I felt like such a bad person thinking those things.

Right now, I’m sitting here on the bed next to Lolita.

It’s a weird feeling.

I’m sad and happy all at the same time.

It’s strange cause the room is a bit different right now. Lolita, for all the years I’ve had her, has obsessively bathed herself. And she hasn’t bathed herself in almost 3 weeks. She definitely smells. And not like the normal good smelling Lolita. But it’s still a smell that I don’t mind. That makes me happy. Almost like a wet dog smell. And I don’t like wet dog smell. There’s litter everywhere and various droppings that she can’t quite clean up. It all feels like a mess, but I don’t mind. I don’t care. I’ve filled up the water bowl multiple times today. I’ve cleaned up her various spots of throw up. I don’t care about the mess. It’s all worth it.

I don’t know how to feel. Happy? Sad? I don’t know.

This is a weird night. The last night. Last night of cuddles. Last night of purrs.

Tomorrow is “I don’t give a fuck” day. That’s what I’m calling it. I didn’t think of that until now. “Don’t give a fuck” day. I don’t have a plan for tomorrow. There’s isn’t any work that will get done. I don’t give a fuck. It’s just a morning and afternoon with this god damn cat. I’ll be sitting in our room, on our bed, with this cat. I’m thankful I’m my own boss and have the ability to do what I want.

This is all I want to say. I think. At least for now.

I’m finishing up my roll of film tomorrow. And lots of other pictures will be taken. Thank god for cameras. I’d be a mess without them.